She wasn’t home. That was the first thought that surfaced in Nana’s mind after waking, even before she opened her eyes. There was no blaring TV tuned to a music channel, under which Varya usually practiced her dance moves. No mumbling from Dani, who dragged around a giant book of forest animal adventures, trying to read it. No yapping from the puppy the twins had dragged into the house.
Tears welled up in her eyes. Nana remembered last night. Right now, she didn’t have to smile or try to brighten someone’s final moments. She could silently surrender to grief. Mourn them both: her sister and her sister’s husband...
Nana opened her eyes and stared at the ceiling. The soft peach color blurred before her, but it was calming. She propped herself up on her elbows to look around. The room was stylishly furnished, though nothing extraordinary. Only her shoes, neatly placed nearby, caught her attention. Her old, worn-out sneakers looked so out of place amid the luxury here. And she herself felt like she didn’t belong.
She’d put on those sneakers by chance. Last year, her sister had been itching to throw them out, but Nana wouldn’t let her. She found Alice’s disdain for old, beat-up things amusing. Then Alice didn’t come back from a trip to the store... After that, Nana couldn’t bring herself to toss the shoes.
In this house, in this room, Nana felt like those old, scuffed sneakers—something someone forgot to throw away.
She thought of Uncle Boris’s son. Heading to the hospital room, she’d known she’d find him there. She knew, but she still wasn’t prepared.
In photos, the man always looked thoughtful, relaxed, and attractive. It left an unforgettable impression on her young heart. Nana could spend hours before bed gazing at his profile on her phone. Imagining herself beside him. Mentally crafting conversations where she always came across as clever and sweet. But their first meeting could hardly be called touching...
When she knocked and reached for the door handle, behind which lay the death of someone close, she felt shaken. The hospital atmosphere, the sadness and pain all around, made her want to curl up into a ball and hide in the nearest dark corner. But she clearly sensed the feelings of the person who needed her so much right now. So, without hesitation, she stepped into the room.
Her first thought upon seeing Sasha was: “How deeply this man embodies a rugged, masculine beauty!” Even then, weighed down and wounded by his father’s condition, he seemed strong and composed.
His dark, piercing gaze made her freeze. Her heart stopped for several long seconds. His hair, in a creative mess, fell beautifully over his face. His entire presence, so imposing yet battered by pain, etched itself into her heart. But his arms, crossed over his chest, seemed to build a wall between them. She felt impossibly distant.
When she touched his shoulders, she wanted to offer a bit of courage, strength, and share in his grief, but she wasn’t prepared for the avalanche of emotions that crashed over her. She felt his love for his father. The sorrow over past resentments and misunderstandings. And a massive wave of hatred toward Alice and everything connected to her... It sobered her and horrified her at the same time. This man probably saw her and her sister as his personal curse.
After that, she focused on filling the space around her with calm, especially for the sick man’s soul. For him, Nana was ready to do almost anything, even smile when all she wanted was to cry at his feet.
Lying beside him, Nana shared memories of little Varya and Dani and their funny antics. Of her still-young sister, who always scolded her for being so carefree and urged her to be strong, not to melt like jelly at the feet of those who wronged her. She recounted things she’d only heard from Uncle Boris. About his eldest son, his achievements in school, his sports awards. She tried to infuse her feelings with more joy, love, and happiness, hoping to take even a sliver of pain away from this strong but weary man.
She was so drained that she didn’t notice when she fell asleep. Emotional exhaustion had sapped every ounce of her energy. Normally, she’d never let another person near her so easily, even in sleep. And now she was in a stranger’s home! She didn’t even remember how she got here... Though it didn’t really matter. What mattered was that there were several thick, solid walls between her and the owner of this house, and she shouldn’t stay here.
She lay there a little longer, calming her heart and wiping away the tears that wouldn’t stop rolling down her cheeks. Finally, Nana found the strength to get up and leave. But first, she needed to check on Sasha and see how he was doing. After all, they’d both lost someone close last night... Only, she’d been somewhat prepared for it. She’d felt life slowly slipping from the man’s body, like air leaking from a tiny puncture in a balloon. But for Sasha, it had come as a complete shock.
The door creaked softly as she opened it. She picked the first room she came across and wasn’t wrong. On a large bed by the wall, he slept. His brows were still furrowed, his face grim, his lips parted and muttering something. He looked so restless that Nana couldn’t help herself and instinctively reached out to him.
With a cool hand, she touched his forehead. She felt the heat flowing from his body into hers. It mingled with her, coursing through her veins. When the fever began to burn her own soul out of her body, she yanked her hand back and gripped the sleeve of her sweater. It was nothing, but the crease on his forehead smoothed out. Now, at least, he could sleep peacefully...
Nana quietly stood and slipped out the door. Uncle Boris had shared his thoughts about the twins with her. He’d wanted to ask his son to take the little ones in. If Sasha agreed, she’d visit them, help out, and take them on weekends so she could balance it with her studies.
Or they could live with her if Sasha agreed to help with guardianship. She could put her courses on hold for now! She didn’t really need to work; there was enough money. Uncle Boris had left them a decent inheritance. And by the time the kids grew up a bit, she could pursue her dream of becoming an architect. As long as the children stayed with family!
She found her jacket and scarf hanging on a hook in the entryway. Her clothes looked so odd next to his sleek black coat. She hurried to bundle up and glanced at the rack again. Now, there was no sense of imbalance. Deep down, a feeling solidified that she didn’t belong beside him... The picture of her world simply couldn’t overlap with the picture of his. No shared traits, colors, or lines. Nothing at all... She was a foreigner on his turf.
She quietly closed the front door behind her.
Finding her way out was easy. A guard let her through. She punched her location into her phone and started walking. She had no desire to hitch a ride or call a cab. She wanted to let the light winter breeze carry away the weight of the past few days. And even though she was wearing sneakers, the heat of grief burned her from the inside.
Nana slipped into the house quietly and darted to her room before the restless kids could notice. First, she needed to pull herself together! They didn’t need to see her puffy, tear-streaked face.
She spent an hour in the bathroom. She couldn’t seem to release the accumulated emotions of others, though usually, water easily cleansed her energy. It washed away the colorful stains of others’ feelings like dirt from her skin.
She put on her favorite gray sweater with black swallows. She wanted to feel cozy when she faced the kids. Over the past couple of months, their father had been in the hospital, and the little ones asked about him less and less, as if afraid that bothering him would make things worse.
“No, Dani, you gotta flip it with the fork, then pat it on top with the spatula!” Varya’s voice rang out, lively and authoritative as always.
“But Nanny didn’t do it like that.”
Dani remarked calmly. Nana could just picture him pushing his glasses up on the tip of his nose, watching with a serious expression as his sister made a mess in the kitchen. Now, why the twins were alone in the kitchen was a good question!
Nana didn’t bother putting on her signature carefree smile. These were kids; you couldn’t fool them... She stepped into the kitchen and quietly watched as Dani fiddled with a phone while Varya tried to flip raw eggs in a pan. The girl thoughtfully twirled a fork in one hand and a spatula in the other, unable to figure out why the omelet wouldn’t cook. At least she hadn’t thought to turn on the stove.
“Varya, sweetie, you know you’re not supposed to use the kitchen without an adult, right?” She tried to add some sternness to her voice, but she couldn’t get mad at this adorable, snub-nosed angel.
“Nana!” Dani ran up first and hugged her legs, while Varya slid off the chair by the stove before running over too.
“We wanted to make you a suh-pwise. You’re hungry, right? But the eggs are bad! First, they spilled all over the table, and now they won’t cook...”
Unlike his sister, who still struggled with some letters, Dani tried to speak properly, like a grown-up. And he managed pretty well.
“I told her not to. But you know how girls are!”
Nana’s heart swelled with tenderness at the sight of the two cute little faces. The kids looked so much like Alice.
She remembered the last time she’d eaten was yesterday afternoon, with Uncle Boris, but right now, she had no appetite at all.
Nana hugged the kids and playfully tapped each of them on the nose.
“No, bunnies, I’m not hungry.”
Varya gave her a sharp look but quickly forgot everything when Nana offered her some juice.
Nana moved the pan out of reach of the fidgety little ones, put the chair away from the stove, and perched on the countertop. She’d done this countless times and couldn’t hold back a smile, remembering how her sister used to scold her for it. Suddenly, a memory hit her, chilling her to the core. It dawned on her that she, Nana, was now the oldest in their little team, and sitting on the counter wasn’t the best example to set!
The kids sipped their juice and chattered away while Nana couldn’t stop thinking. Now their lives would change. What would Sasha decide about the little ones? And if he refused to have anything to do with them now that their father was gone, would she be granted custody? She was only twenty-one. No degree, no husband, no job, no older family members... Nana decided not to dwell on it. If Sasha turned them away, then she’d look for other options.
She wasn’t about to hand the kids over to strangers. Only with them did she feel secure. She wasn’t afraid to touch them. Wasn’t afraid that others’ thoughts and feelings would creep into her mind and take over her body.
She stroked the curls on their little heads. No, she definitely wouldn’t let anyone take them! Though the kids’ father had warned her that someone might try to claim them because of the inheritance.
A few hours later, Uncle Boris’s attorney called. He informed her that he’d passed on the deceased’s request to his son, Alexander, to take care of the younger children, this time in writing. Uncle Boris had been afraid he wouldn’t have time to say everything and had written a letter to his son. Now, all that was left was to wait for a response.
There wasn’t much of a funeral. The man had requested cremation, not wanting to be tied to the earth. His ashes were to be scattered by the sea, at the place he shared with his wife. No farewell ceremony, no strangers.
A year ago, she and Uncle Boris had said goodbye to Alice like this. He’d scattered her ashes, and then they’d sat on the quiet shore until sunset, listening to the sea and sharing memories.
Nana hadn’t dared to do it yet. She just wasn’t ready to say goodbye to him on her own. And she certainly couldn’t take that right away from Uncle Boris’s eldest son. They’d do it together when they were ready.